10 Things You Should Not Say to a Pregnant Woman (and What You SHOULD Say Instead)
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Complete Stranger: (stopping in her tracks to point at my belly) “One? Or two?”
Me: (in shock) “Just one.”
Complete Stranger: “Pfft! That’s gonna be a HUUUGE baby!” (walks away)
Me: (frozen in place, desperately trying not to bawl my eyes out)
Yep. That actually happened to me when I was eight months pregnant with my second child.
Hormonal.
Uncomfortable in my own protuberant skin.
Already feeling like a house.
Just trying to pick up some milk at the grocery store.
Verbally assaulted by a total stranger who had no right, no manners, and no care for the destruction she left in her wake, wreaking havoc on my already tattered nerves.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.
Robin Williams
And that was only one of a handful of memorable instances when people – friends, neighbors, strangers, well-meaning individuals without a clue – went out of their way to let me know how they felt about MY pregnancy. Using archaic axioms that were neither invited nor welcome.
What is it about seeing a woman’s pregnant belly that makes some people believe they suddenly have free license to comment about it (or worse, TOUCH!)? It’s disrespectful to make unwarranted and rude remarks about a person’s appearance in any case.
So why should a pregnant woman be the exception to the rule? Why is she expected to just laugh and play along with these outdated knee-slappers and disparaging one-liners, precisely when her sensitivity is already at the mercy of her remorseless hormones?
Ok… at 8 months post-partum now (at the time this was originally written), I admit… yes, I’m still a little sensitive about these things. But that’s precisely why I feel it’s important to let the world know, while it’s still fresh in my memory, how hurtful and unwelcome these comments can be.
So, here are ten things you should not say to a pregnant woman, phrases that should be forever removed from the general rotation (and a few suggestions about what to say instead).
1 – “Enjoy life while you still can!” or “Say goodbye to sleep!”
She’s creating a new life, not throwing her own life away. Will there be sleepless nights? Most likely. But there will also be cuddles and coos, firsts and fun! How about, instead of laughing at all the sleep she’s about to lose, we step up to support this mama?
Instead, try saying:
“There is beauty in the madness of becoming a parent.”
You’re not sugar-coating the inevitable tough times that are part and parcel of parenthood. But instead, you bestow hope by reminding her that every rain will have its rainbow.
2 – “Was it planned?” or “Was it a surprise?”
Frankly, that’s none of your concern, no matter how well you know this person. Unless she volunteers this information, details of the baby’s conception are really none of your business. How about, instead of being nosy, we show her that we care about HER no matter how the baby came about?
Instead, try saying:
“There is such a special sweetness in being able to participate in creation.”
Planned or unplanned, the moment of conception is about as predictable as the moment of birth. You can’t change it, so you might as well simply celebrate it, however and whenever it comes about!
3 – “Don’t you already have enough kids?” or “Do you plan on having more kids?”
Consider what you don’t know and how that might make her feel. Maybe this pregnancy wasn’t in her plans. Or maybe this baby was the answer to her prayers after previous pregnancy loss. No matter how well you know someone, there are beautiful secrets locked up in her heart. Don’t carelessly tread on that.
Instead, try saying:
“You’re going to be/already such a great mom! I just know it!”
It may seem like such a trite statement, but these are the simple yet uplifting things a new mom really needs to hear, and it never gets old. She may already be questioning what new motherhood (or adding one more) will be like, and how she will handle it. Hearing that someone believes in you is far superior to being reminded of the inevitable hardships to come.
4 – “Wow! You are so BIG/round/small/carrying high/low/wide…!”
Would you audibly make such callous observations about her appearance if she WASN’T pregnant? I promise you, she is not unaware of what she looks like. And chances are, she feels even worse than that, because having an entire human being sitting on your bladder for nine months is wholly uncomfortable to say the least. So why are you bringing that to her attention?
Instead, try saying:
“You look great! You are positively glowing!”
I cannot think of an instance where this sort of a compliment will miss its mark. Unless the lady has just stepped out of a puddle of radioactive goo, in which case, she has bigger problems…
5 – “Twins?” or “Are you sure there’s only one in there?”
I heard so many awful versions of this during both my pregnancies, usually followed with uproarious laughter by the jester at his own self, completely oblivious to my stunned silence as I desperately struggled not to burst into a flood of hormonal tears. Believe me, there is no humor to be found and no way of disguising that you just called her FAT.
Instead, try saying:
“You have created a life where before there was nothing. That is truly magical!”
In case you are honestly wondering if there’s “two in there,” this prompt gives her a chance to divulge the happy news to you if she wishes, and keeps you out of hot water if you’re wrong.
6 – “You look so uncomfortable/tired…”
A pregnant woman’s body is pumping 150% of her normal blood volume, needs a bathroom at least twice as often as usual, has a hard time finding comfortable positions to sit, stand, and sleep, and might be regurgitating just about everything she’s eating.
Her body is cultivating an entirely brand new being from a clump of cells smaller than a chia seed into a fully realized baby the size of a watermelon in just nine months. Of course, she’s uncomfortable and tired! Growing a human is HARD WORK!
Instead, try saying:
“How are you feeling?”
Put the ball in her court. And be prepared to listen intently to whatever she might say in response. HEAR HER. Help her find a place to sit, rest, and relax while you allow her to recall as much or as little as she wants to divulge. Take time to recognize what you would like done for you when you have felt the way she does, and then make it happen for her.
7 – “You really should/shouldn’t do that while you’re pregnant…”
Unless she has specifically asked you for advice, don’t. Most likely, she has a great OB/GYN doctor or midwife who is already dispensing a million shoulds and shouldn’ts. Very likely, she has a family (parents, siblings, in-laws) who are hurling all kinds of advice at her whether she wants it or not. And every single article she has already googled or seen on WebMD has alarmed her into not doing ANYTHING that might harm her unborn child.
But ultimately, the choices she makes are up to her and her alone. Mind your business.
Instead, try saying:
“What’s been your favorite part of being pregnant?”
This is one of the most startling and beautiful questions I heard during my first pregnancy. It’s astonishing how many people come at you with unwarranted suggestions. So to have someone ask me how I feel instead of jumping to conclusions and telling me how I ought to feel or how I should be doing things differently was refreshing and actually caught me a little off guard. Blush.
8 – “Are you still pregnant?” or “Hasn’t that baby come yet?”
Take a second to stop and think just how wrong this could go… If she IS still pregnant, you are likely the three millionth person to ask her what’s taking so long.
As if she has any choice in the matter. As if she isn’t exponentially more anxious to meet her new baby as you or anyone else could possibly be.
And you have done nothing but annoy her with this reminder.
And then consider… what if she HAS already had that baby? Contrary to what Hollywood would have you believe, it often takes anywhere between six weeks and a year for a woman’s body to return to its pre-pregnancy state.
So now you’ve just reinforced to her that she still looks pregnant despite having just been through the toughest endeavor any woman will ever undertake. And you have egg on your face.
Instead, try saying:
“It is the most powerful creation to have life growing inside of you.”
At least this spurs an ongoing conversation in which she can tell you whether it is or WAS such a powerful experience for her. You have validated her hard work and effort, complimented her strength, and recognized her courage. She may burst into tears for all the RIGHT reasons.
9 – “When I was pregnant…” or “When I gave birth…”
Whoa. Stop right there. This is not YOUR moment to shine, Karen.
If I had a nickel for every time another mother verbally vomited her birth story all over me when I never asked for it, I could have paid for my entire labor, delivery, and hospital stay upfront.
Instead, try saying:
“Everyone’s different. Everyone’s body is different. Everyone’s birth experience is different.”
Effectively, this is the point all moms need to consider. You have this uncontainable urge to share every microscopic detail of your birth experience with anyone who will listen because, truly, it’s an amazing journey unlike any other!
But remember that hers will not – could not possibly – be the same as yours in any way. And any negative aspects of your story will only overwhelm her and intensify her anxieties. Try to share only your positive experiences, or nothing at all, especially when unprompted.
10 – “Call me! I’ll babysit for free ANYTIME!”
Liar. No you won’t. Unless you’re genuinely going to drop everything and come over to rock that screaming baby to sleep at 230AM when mama calls you sobbing because she hasn’t had a shower or a moment’s peace in over a week, DO NOT FLIPPANTLY MAKE THIS OFFER.
“Anytime” means ANY time. Do not make promises you have no intention of keeping. To leave her hanging when she needs you most: that’s just cruel.
Instead, try saying:
Nothing. Really. No one needs your unsubstantial lip service.
Either show up or shut up.
Chucking these old, ill-humored aphorisms in the garbage is long overdue. Instead of nervous humor or toxic positivity, which only result in hurt feelings and awkward moments, try doling out some empathy, encouragement, and hope.
A little validation and compassion can go a very long way in granting peace to a pregnant woman on the verge of motherhood.
And remember what your mom taught you: If you can’t say anything nice, better to just not say anything at all.
Did you hear some real doozies when you were pregnant? Tell me some of your best (and worst) here below, in the comments.
